I’d like to take this opportunity to offer a commentary my neighbor, Safeway.
There are gobs of fun things happening right across the way, at the Safe-way! It is the anchor of my neighborhood. O to live back in the day when one could go to the market on a Saturday with a grip of Brussels sprouts and trade them in for a handful of apple pie, or whatever the local was slinging. I never lived in a time like this, but I can only imagine what it would be like. Food was currency back then. You could pay for shit with food, or just eat it. Your choice.
‘How bad do you want that Xbox Timmy? Not that bad I guess, you just ate our entire bank account.’
If you got mugged, it amounted to getting the fuck beaten out of you for your animal crackers that you worked all day to harvest. It also meant that in order to pay for things, you had to have something to give, and you had to grow your own money basically. It’s very different today. Some people get money in the mail just for being lazy.
These days, it’s not that easy. I mean if you went to Safeway, and tried to pay for your toilet paper with a slice (or whole) apple pie, I’m just not sure how that would work. The chubby grandma cashier in bloomers might appreciate it, but the pimply faced 16 year old would probably tell you to shove that apple pie up your ass. Maybe try that method at the self-pay/bagging kiosk? If you tried to slide your apple pie into the debit card reader, the beacon on the kiosk would alert a human to come over and assess the situation:
Me: ‘This kiosk is broken.’
Cashier: ‘Hmmm….ok so you tried to pay and it wouldn’t accept your payment?”
Me: ‘Yea.”
Cashier (intently tinkering with kiosk buttons): “Ok, sir try and slide your apple pie in there ooooone more time and see what happens.’
SsssSLLLRRRSHHHhhhhhh
Cashier:
“Huh…still not taking it. Sometimes this trick works if you wrap it in a plastic bag
and then swipe it…’
SsssSLLLRRRSHHHhhhhhh
Me: ‘It’s an old slice, let me see if I have another….
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Things have changed I guess.
Back in the day, day, you went to the market like once a month. It took you that long to push the 300 pound wooden cart (empty) into town. People who went shopping had to be in SHAPE. Good Christ, you woke up at the first cock’s warning, loaded your cart with 500 pounds of “money”, and pushed that shit into town, and traded it for 500 pounds of other shit and turned around and wheel barrowed your cart back home to your family. Holy fuck. That was just one of your “errands” for the day. People at my Safeway aren’t that in shape. The crowd at my Safeway varies depending on the time of day/week/year....It's always uber casual, and the more it looks like you just rolled out of bed, the better. Winter time it's scarves and tall boots/UGGS, and trenchcoats, pj pants always with a coffee in hand. In the summer, it’s shorts and tshirts, and flip flops (insert iced coffee in place of hot coffee).
Nothing says “I’m fucked if disaster strikes’ like flip flops. Natural disasters, robberies, chasing down the last box of Smarmy Puffs on special…no matter what the situation…if you need to take action-QUICK, wearing flip flops is a sure way to fail, and possibly end up on Youtube.
*Safeway Super Saver Tip!: If you are thinking about robbing someone at Safeway, pick someone wearing flip-flops. A lion hunting pronghorn in the Serengeti, sees one wearing flip flops, you know he’s gonna target that mofo. That pronghorn’s gonna blow out the toe thong in the first few evasive moves, and BAM! dinner for weeks.
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