Top 5 Grocery Store Icons

Young or old, we can identify with these icons for a variety of reasons.  I have decided to compile a list of my top 5 favorite grocery store icons of ALL TIME:

5.  Chester Cheeto

This character is nothing short of a drug dealer, but since he is animated and sells nuclear orange cheese doodles, it's ok.  If he was selling cigarettes, he'd be called Joe Camel, and be abhorred.    Constant sunglasses, 5 o'clock shadow, high tops, gold chains, and a voracious appetite for all things CHEEEEZEEY! His day doesn't start until he gets his Cheetos.  You will know your kids have had their fix when they come home with the glowing orange mustache and the unmistakable Cheeto manicure. A name like Chester to boot? C'mon Man, this guy shouldn't be allowed in school zones or grocery stores.

4.  The Beggin' Strips Dog

Along the same lines as Chester the Cheeto, the Beggin' Strips Dog fits the bill of a character who is completely cracked out on the product.  The marketing of this character seems to suggest your dog might actually become rabid if she eats it. What with foaming mouth, and mad dog eyes?  

3.  Snuggle Bear
The rogue Care-Bear.  He was raised in the Kingdom of Caring, and abruptly left for Hollywood after no one cared about how soft his bear suit was. This classic character can be found in the laundry section of your favorite grocery store, and wants nothing more than to cuddle with your blankets and underpants.  It's cute at first, but seriously, this bear's search for the softest, cuddly load of laundry is a bit disturbing.

2.  The 70's Brawny Man
This guy needs no introduction.  You want tough, you call the 70's Brawny Man (left).  After chopping down the entire forest with that axe over his shoulder by himself, do you really think that puddle of spilled Tang is gonna be an issue? Bi*** Please.

1.  Captain Crunch
The Captain is about as iconic as they come, but no one has ever dare step to his credentials.  What is he Captain of? Who does he command? Why's this mofugga smiling so much at 6:00 every morning?  None of it is important.  What IS important is that our galvanized corn puffs stay razor sharp, and shred the interiors of our mouths.  The Captain has been doing this for us for years, all the while, he sits on his box laughing at us.  He finds this funny because he knows once the box is empty, we'll go get more.

Pinball Porn

Believe it or not, this was found on a pinball machine at the laundromat.

Packaging

There are some days I come to the store by myself, and I have the best time.  One of the games I like to play is "How Did Marketing Conclude 'Yep, that's a winning logo/package/color" .

Some days it’s easy.  The first day I saw the Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls was a no brainer highlight of the trip.  A no contest winnah!  

Today though…ohhhhh today.  Maybe it’s the right mixture of caffeine, soccer moms, time of day, time of day in the week….who knows.  I had a budget of $6.03, and the packaging was incredible today.  Everything screamed BUY ME!  I walked in for the first time today, like I always do on the first time, and was greeted by an endcap of “NUTS!”  The bags had a cartoon pistachio on them.  The pistachio character looked like Mr. Planters on meth or after his bachelor party.  His whacked out smile, and cocaine eyes were telling me that these nuts were a good time.  Buy these “NUTS!” and you will go fucking nuts, and need rehab. 

Not sure if I would feel comfortable having him hanging out alongside Mr. Planters in my cupboard.  What do you think:

Caption Please...

Grocery Store Adventures P.1

I’d like to take this opportunity to offer a commentary my neighbor, Safeway.

There are gobs of fun things happening right across the way, at the Safe-way!  It is the anchor of my neighborhood.  O to live back in the day when one could go to the market on a Saturday with a grip of Brussels sprouts and trade them in for a handful of apple pie, or whatever the local was slinging.  I never lived in a time like this, but I can only imagine what it would be like.  Food was currency back then.  You could pay for shit with food, or just eat it.  Your choice. 

‘How bad do you want that Xbox Timmy?  Not that bad I guess, you just ate our entire bank account.’

If you got mugged, it amounted to getting the fuck beaten out of you for your animal crackers that you worked all day to harvest.  It also meant that in order to pay for things, you had to have something to give, and you had to grow your own money basically.  It’s very different today.  Some people get money in the mail just for being lazy.

These days, it’s not that easy.  I mean if you went to Safeway, and tried to pay for your toilet paper with a slice (or whole) apple pie, I’m just not sure how that would work.  The chubby grandma cashier in bloomers might appreciate it, but the pimply faced 16 year old would probably tell you to shove that apple pie up your ass.  Maybe try that method at the self-pay/bagging kiosk?  If you tried to slide your apple pie into the debit card reader, the beacon on the kiosk would alert a human to come over and assess the situation:

Me:                          ‘This kiosk is broken.’

Cashier:                  ‘Hmmm….ok so you tried to pay and it wouldn’t accept your payment?”

Me:                          ‘Yea.”

Cashier (intently tinkering with kiosk buttons):   “Ok, sir try and slide your apple pie in there ooooone more time and see what happens.’

SsssSLLLRRRSHHHhhhhhh

Cashier:                    

                                  “Huh…still not taking it.  Sometimes this trick works if you wrap it in a plastic bag       

                                  and then swipe it…’

SsssSLLLRRRSHHHhhhhhh

Me:            ‘It’s an old slice, let me see if I have another….

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.  Things have changed I guess.

Back in the day, day, you went to the market like once a month.  It took you that long to push the 300 pound wooden cart (empty) into town.  People who went shopping had to be in SHAPE.  Good Christ, you woke up at the first cock’s warning, loaded your cart with 500 pounds of “money”, and pushed that shit into town, and traded it for 500 pounds of other shit and turned around and wheel barrowed your cart back home to your family.  Holy fuck.  That was just one of your “errands” for the day.  People at my Safeway aren’t that in shape.  The crowd at my Safeway varies depending on the time of day/week/year....It's always uber casual, and the more it looks like you just rolled out of bed, the better.  Winter time it's scarves and tall boots/UGGS, and trenchcoats, pj pants always with a coffee in hand.  In the summer, it’s shorts and tshirts, and flip flops (insert iced coffee in place of hot coffee).  

Nothing says “I’m fucked if disaster strikes’ like flip flops.  Natural disasters, robberies, chasing down the last box of Smarmy Puffs on special…no matter what the situation…if you need to take action-QUICK, wearing flip flops is a sure way to fail, and possibly end up on Youtube.

*Safeway Super Saver Tip!:  If you are thinking about robbing someone at Safeway, pick someone wearing flip-flops.  A lion hunting pronghorn in the Serengeti, sees one wearing flip flops, you know he’s gonna target that mofo.  That pronghorn’s gonna blow out the toe thong in the first few evasive moves, and BAM! dinner for weeks.